So What if...

We're HAVING A BABY!!!

I decided linking up w/ Shannon was a good way to spill the beans on why I have been MIA from blogging!

I promise to now keep up with my blog and share on all baby details. A bunch of friends told me to keep a diary of the pregnancy so I couldnt think of a better way then this!

I will post a detailed recount of the last 3 months shortly. 

Time for margaritas

I know I have been MIA its because I have been doing another cycle and didn't wanna post details in case it went well because we are not going to tell anyone until we are 100% know we are in the clear. Well...me posting means no good news. Our FIFTH round has ended in NO pregnancy! I had every damn symptom in the book and I was convinced it was finally our time. Timing on everything would of been perfect...but no...why the hell would we get what we want. We had to wait TWO DAMN MONTHS before trying again and it was a super long cycle bc my body wouldnt respond to the medicines and no nothing... its just not fair. I just cant understand why us. Whats even more frustrating is it seems I am surrounded by pregnancy and babies.

Nurse said we would try clomid one last time, but I dont want to. I want to move onto to stronger meds bc I do not respond great to Clomid. I am just SUPER frustrated and feel like this will never happen for us.

October 15

I know...I am a day late. I didn't even really know what yesterday was. But yesterday (October 15) was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Back in October I suffered an early miscarriage. While it was heartbreaking I know women who have been through so much worse then me. I pray everyday that was my one and only miscarriage. But only God knows that and I have to stop trying to control it.

Our current roadblock

As I mentioned in August I had a miscarriage/chemical pregnancy at 5 weeks. I was heartbroken and so angry (still am if i think about it). We went and saw a different doctor in the practice (a female doc this time who was new and young). She recommended I take Sept off to let my body rest and to focus on loosing 10 lbs. Just loosing 10 lbs could help significantly with sustaining a pregnancy. I am finding out loosing weight is SUPER hard with PCOS. I have tried to cut out sugar and carbs and stick to 1800 calories a day. I was doing good and lost about 7 lbs right away, but then stopped. Uhh..super frustrating.  I need to get better at working out, I know....I am seeing the nutritionist on Tuesday. I was really looking forward to the weight loss that is suppose to come with being on Metformin, but instead I have gained weight thanks to all the meds. SUPER annoying!

So we took off the month of Sept from TTC. I did not ovulate on my own so around the end of the month I called for a RX for Provera since I was almost at the 10 lbs mark. Once this new cycle started I went in for my routine cycle day 3 ultrasound. They check lining, check for cysts, and hormone levels. And of course wouldn't you know - I have a large cyst on my left ovary. I wanted to punch the Nurse Practitioner in the face! I already had to wait out one month - now I have to wait yet ANOTHER month! FYI you cannot take fertility meds while you have a cyst. It wont work properly and you risk the cyst rupturing. This whole process has been SUPER frustrating. So we are now taking the month of October off, I am on birth control pills to make the cyst go away and we will try again at the end of the month. I did some calculations and if everything goes as planned next cycle (fingers crossed) and I get pregnant I will be due end of July and we can tell our families around Christmas time (We are waiting for around 8 weeks to tell parents next time).

We are shooting for a summer baby since I am currently in school and have the summer off. It would be a little easier, but I wont put TTC on hold if it doesnt happen. And we all know how well my plans go :)

So until the end of the month I am taking it easier and back to focusing on loosing weight. I am curious about what the nutritionist has to say.

PCOS and TTC

Wow...so I havn't blogged in two months...oops! I read the blogs I follow daily, but keep forgetting to actually blog myself. Well now I have a story to tell and that story is called PCOS and infertility and what a PAIN IN THE ASS it is. Subtle much? Yeah I didnt think so. Anywho the last two months have been full of baby planning and meds. Since there are SOO many women out there struggling w/ this I thought I would share my story and thoughts and hopefully soon my successes :)

Infertility and trying to conceive (ttc) is so time consuiming and always in your head with EVERYTHING you do. Can I sign up to play softball this summer or will I get pregnant? Will I be pregnant on the next family vaca? Can I take a new job...what if it all finally works next month? These are the thoughts I deal with on an almost daily basis. Here is my story and where we are now:

Dec 2011 - went in for a yearly check up and told doc we wanted a baby. I had gone off birth control in October when we got married and still had not had a period. (I always had irregular periods, except when on birth control). Doc had me do blood work, but physically everything seemed fine.

Jan 2012 - After getting back in town from vacation (we REALLY thought we would be pregnant by this point and could tell family as a Christmas present..sadly that wasnt so). I still have not had a period since Oct and doc called and said all blood work was normal. So we went in to talk with her about now what. She told us to get some tests done (HSG and semen analysis) and in two weeks if still no period take Provera (to induce period) then start my first round of Clomid. If you are like me and Michael we had never heard of any of this stuff, but Clomid is the most common drug given to women who are ttc. It is taken for usually 5 days on certain days of your cycle and is suppose to make you ovulate. You time sex to hopefully catch that mother lovin egg. Its powerful stuff w/ LOTS of side effects...none of which are pleasant. I also started temping. Temping is taking your basal body temp every morning before you even open your eyes. Its tells you what your body is doing.

Feb - Began Clomid. Took cycle days (cd) 3-7. Had an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) on cd 8. The test consists of a doc inserting a cather into your uterus and taking xrays of your tubes and uterus to make sure there are no blockages.  Everything went smooth and looked perfect. So we crossed our fingers and hoped for the best. Doc had me do blood work 7 days post ovulation (dpo) to check and make sure I ovulated. Well sadly I never ovulated that cycle...booo...so on to Provera and on to the next cycle.

March - Cycle #2 w/ Clomid. Did 50 mg of Clomid on days 3-9 this cycle was THE WORST! My total meds were 50 mg of clomid cd 3-9, estrogen patch cd 9-12 and progesterone cream cd 12 on.  From the moment I took the meds I felt bad and anxious. I had major depression for about 2 weeks and terrible anxiety. Plus anger...I was soo bad and felt so stressed and overwhelmed. I wouldn't recommend that on anyone! Sadly again I ovulated, but barely. My progesterone level was only a 5 soo boo...no baby and on to the next round

April/May - Cycle #3 w/ Clomid - I was super nervous to do this again. After the last cycle I was scared I would have the same side effects. My doctor (still w/ my regular gyno at this point) had me do the same med combo as last cycle. Again no luck. I did ovulate, but again only at a 5 (this was mid may by this point). Super bummed...Doc said I could do one more cycle w/ her at 100 mg or go see a specialist. We opted for the specialist. While I loved my doc I knew I needed more care.

At the end of May I saw my first Reproductive Endocrinologist. I will make this another post.

Its been a LOONG Journey and sadly full of dead ends and punches in the stomach. Good thing is I know I am not alone.

worst feeling in the world

I blogged a little while ago that my husband and I were having issues having a baby. Well we are in the thick of fertility treatments and sadly no good news to report.

In May (after three failed rounds of meds w/ my regular doc) we went to a specialist and the doctor told me I have PCOS - Polycystic ovary syndrome. Mine seems very mild, but still a hassle. Everyones PCOS is different. I thankfully do not have any cysts, but I do have a lot of acne, hard time loosing weight, and excess body hair. I also carry all my weight in my midsection. The doctor had me start taking 1500 mg of Metformin everyday. We took the month of June off to relax and get use to the medicine. In July I began my first cycle with the specialist. This included 100 mg of Clomid cycle days 5-9 and continued the metformin. I began going in for regular blood work and ultrasounds. On cycle day 14 when I should be almost ready to ovulate I still had no mature follicles so the doctor had me do more Clomid this time 200 mg for 5 days and start dexamesthone. Thankfully a couple days after I finished the Clomid I have one mature follicle measuring at 25 mm and no need for a trigger shot (shot of HCG to trick your body into ovulating). a week later blood work revealed I have a strong ovulation. A couple days later I saw two beautiful (faint, but still there) lines on a home test. We were THRILLED but cautious. I went into the doctor a couple days later for blood work to confirm. My numbers were low (only a 16) but I was pregnant. I went in two more times for more checks, sadly my numbers never doubled like they were suppose to and on Tuesday 8/21 my numbers began to drop and the nurse informed me that I would soon miscarry.

Talk about a giant punch in the stomach. Every hope, dream, and plan out the window. I wanted to punch someone anyone, but all I could do was cry. I feel like a statistic and like a failure. I know there is no rhyme or reason to it all, but it still sucks. I am sad, mad, and numb at the same time. My body is suppose to be one thing and it failed me. I know most of my thoughts are irrational, but you cant help it. I feel like God is punishing me and that we must not be worthy enough for a family. The past couple days have been a roller coaster of emotions. The worst has been telling our families. We had JUST told my parents the exciting news and were looking forward to telling his parents when we saw them for a wedding next month. Instead we had to tell them the HORRIBLE news.

Michael has been WONDERFUL. He is letting me sad, mad, happy and all over the place. The only person placing blame and shame on me is me. Now I am in the limbo waiting period waiting for the actual miscarriage to happen. 

Please keep us and our families in your prayers. We could use them.

infertility...

My husband hates that word, but sadly its the truth. I was hoping I would give you the details of my last 2 months in a wonderful blog where I announced my pregnancy. But sadly that is not the case. I am entering my 2nd cycle of meds to assist in getting pregnant. Ain't it fun!

Truth is - its not fun. It SUCKS! But also not very uncommon. Michael and I are not screaming it from the roof tops, but we also are not keeping it as big of a secret as before. We told very little people about our first round of meds, but I have finally told my mom and some coworkers and close friends know.

Here is our story and if this is TMI well then too bad. I have never had regular periods. Like never. I have gone 2, 4, even 6 months before w/ my friendly aunt flo visit. Until I started on birth control. Everything was great. I am one of the few who loved being on birth control (once I found the right one). Michael and I talked family a lot and decided that after our wedding I would go off birth control and we would see what happens. We were not trying, but wern't not not trying also. We both hoped that we would be able to give the gift of pregnancy news as a Christmas present, but sadly nope. I went off birth control in Oct and by Christmas, still had no period. I wasn't worried, this was "normal" for me. Even though I did secretly wish birth control would reset my body.

Anyway, in Dec I went to the doc for a yearly visit anyway and mentioned we wanted to try and start a family. I doc did some blood work and said everything felt fine. Blood work came back fine (this is mid Jan now - had to wait out the holidays....still no period). Only thing was I had not ovulated yet. She gave me a medicine (Provera) to help bring my period on then I could start a new cycle and start meds.

Had to wait 2 weeks to make sure I wasnt pregnant to start Provera. Took 5 mg for 10 days, 7 days later finally my period came. I was instructed to take Clomid cycle days 3-7. I had to get an HSG xray done (Hysterosalpinhgogram - you can read more here) It opens your tubes and makes sure there is no bloackages. Everything clear! My doc and even the nurses said this will help get your pregnant bc the tubes are already opened.

I had to keep track of my temps every morning and get progesterone tested cycle day 21. Well I thought I ovulated cycle day 20 - so I waited and got my blood work cycle day 27. My doc called me the next day (this was last Thursday) and my level was only at a .7 - yikes! It needs to be about a 10 to confirm ovulation.

Went to the doc yesterday to talk about plan b bc well that didnt work AT ALL! She is going to keep me at 50 mg, but take it longer. This time cycle days 3-9. Then do an estrogen patch cycle day 9-12 then progesterone gel day 12- to either another period or 13 weeks pregnant.

Thats my story....I am NOT one of the lucky ones who can get pregnant right away...and its a major blow, even though I always had the feeling this wouldnt be easy for me. My body is not doing the one thing it needs to do - ovulate! Going through this process I have learned more then I ever knew about the human body and reproduction.

I hope my story can help others. I will continue to share my story and struggle and hopefully success!