I am back and linking up w/ Shannon w/ my favorite So What Wednesdays

This week I am saying so what to...

• I catch up on my shows at work during lunch...gotta love being able to watch my shows online
• I eat lunch at 11 - most of my co-workers come in later (around 10) and stay late, but I am now an early bird rising at 6 and eating lunch at 11 and dinner at like 6 then in bed by 10.
• If we have been going to bed around 10...Michael gets up at 5:30 and I get up at 6 am
• If I drink a Diet Coke a day...I love the stuff
• I listen to Broadway musicals on Pandora during work - its up beat
• I am SUPER excited for our weekend trip to New York around Christmas time and already planning what to do. 
• I am done hiding our fertility struggles. I am not shouting it from the roof tops or posting stuff on Facebook, but there are so many women going through this and I hope to help them.
• I LOVE doing my classroom observations in a kindergarten classroom and never want to leave...maybe I can be a kindergarten teacher once I am done w/ school 
• I get a ping of jealously when I see yet another person announce their pregnancy or new baby. I am only human

One Year!

Today Michael and I celebrate one year of marriage! I was about to walk down the aisle at this exact time one year ago today. We had a BEAUTIFUL wedding that I am really proud of. We did a great job of planning it. Our wedding was on a Sunday (hey it saved us a LOT of money!). We got married in a local Greek Orthodox Church then had our reception at a local swim and tennis club (kinda like a country club). I was very lucky to have most of my family and Michaels family join us that day to celebrate. I am not good with being the center of attention so I tried to stay out of the lime light (which is really hard as a bride). It is the one thing I struggled w/ and wish I would of just gotten over. I was shy and you could tell by some of my photos. But thats ok.

This year went by super fast, but also it feels like we have been married forever. It feels natural for us. I could not imagine our lives any other way. We have had some struggles this year and still learning to navigate our way, but are doing it together. I look forward to what life has in store for us. I just pray its not too hard :)

Here are some photos from our perfect day!

The Church

 My Stepdad walking me down the aisle

 Our first kiss as husband and wife. You kiss before walking out the door at an Orthodox ceremony

 My flowers were BEAUTIFUL! They were all roses - dark oranges and reds. Bridesmaids had a smaller version.

 The wedding party - girls in brown dresses, burgundy shoes, and guys in burnt oranges vests w/ black tuxes

 My something blue

 One of my favorite photos

 My fav girls

 Yup - he smashed it in my face

worst feeling in the world

I blogged a little while ago that my husband and I were having issues having a baby. Well we are in the thick of fertility treatments and sadly no good news to report.

In May (after three failed rounds of meds w/ my regular doc) we went to a specialist and the doctor told me I have PCOS - Polycystic ovary syndrome. Mine seems very mild, but still a hassle. Everyones PCOS is different. I thankfully do not have any cysts, but I do have a lot of acne, hard time loosing weight, and excess body hair. I also carry all my weight in my midsection. The doctor had me start taking 1500 mg of Metformin everyday. We took the month of June off to relax and get use to the medicine. In July I began my first cycle with the specialist. This included 100 mg of Clomid cycle days 5-9 and continued the metformin. I began going in for regular blood work and ultrasounds. On cycle day 14 when I should be almost ready to ovulate I still had no mature follicles so the doctor had me do more Clomid this time 200 mg for 5 days and start dexamesthone. Thankfully a couple days after I finished the Clomid I have one mature follicle measuring at 25 mm and no need for a trigger shot (shot of HCG to trick your body into ovulating). a week later blood work revealed I have a strong ovulation. A couple days later I saw two beautiful (faint, but still there) lines on a home test. We were THRILLED but cautious. I went into the doctor a couple days later for blood work to confirm. My numbers were low (only a 16) but I was pregnant. I went in two more times for more checks, sadly my numbers never doubled like they were suppose to and on Tuesday 8/21 my numbers began to drop and the nurse informed me that I would soon miscarry.

Talk about a giant punch in the stomach. Every hope, dream, and plan out the window. I wanted to punch someone anyone, but all I could do was cry. I feel like a statistic and like a failure. I know there is no rhyme or reason to it all, but it still sucks. I am sad, mad, and numb at the same time. My body is suppose to be one thing and it failed me. I know most of my thoughts are irrational, but you cant help it. I feel like God is punishing me and that we must not be worthy enough for a family. The past couple days have been a roller coaster of emotions. The worst has been telling our families. We had JUST told my parents the exciting news and were looking forward to telling his parents when we saw them for a wedding next month. Instead we had to tell them the HORRIBLE news.

Michael has been WONDERFUL. He is letting me sad, mad, happy and all over the place. The only person placing blame and shame on me is me. Now I am in the limbo waiting period waiting for the actual miscarriage to happen. 

Please keep us and our families in your prayers. We could use them.

So What!

I havn't done this in forever! Gonna try and get back into blogging. Here is what I am saying SO WHAT to!

• I have felt no desire to work lately...its getting kinda bad...
• I have decided to one day become a special ed teacher - and it kinda freaks me out, but exciting
• I am only 25 and want to start a family terribly bad!
• I like Michael w/ a beard - who knew! 
• Most of my friends live in other states
• I want to leave Ga TERRIBLY!!
• I am pretending my water is ice cream...this whole no sugar thing is a giant pain! 
• Ever since the Kenny Chesney/Tim McGraw concert the other day I have had Kenny Chesney on repeat...

infertility...

My husband hates that word, but sadly its the truth. I was hoping I would give you the details of my last 2 months in a wonderful blog where I announced my pregnancy. But sadly that is not the case. I am entering my 2nd cycle of meds to assist in getting pregnant. Ain't it fun!

Truth is - its not fun. It SUCKS! But also not very uncommon. Michael and I are not screaming it from the roof tops, but we also are not keeping it as big of a secret as before. We told very little people about our first round of meds, but I have finally told my mom and some coworkers and close friends know.

Here is our story and if this is TMI well then too bad. I have never had regular periods. Like never. I have gone 2, 4, even 6 months before w/ my friendly aunt flo visit. Until I started on birth control. Everything was great. I am one of the few who loved being on birth control (once I found the right one). Michael and I talked family a lot and decided that after our wedding I would go off birth control and we would see what happens. We were not trying, but wern't not not trying also. We both hoped that we would be able to give the gift of pregnancy news as a Christmas present, but sadly nope. I went off birth control in Oct and by Christmas, still had no period. I wasn't worried, this was "normal" for me. Even though I did secretly wish birth control would reset my body.

Anyway, in Dec I went to the doc for a yearly visit anyway and mentioned we wanted to try and start a family. I doc did some blood work and said everything felt fine. Blood work came back fine (this is mid Jan now - had to wait out the holidays....still no period). Only thing was I had not ovulated yet. She gave me a medicine (Provera) to help bring my period on then I could start a new cycle and start meds.

Had to wait 2 weeks to make sure I wasnt pregnant to start Provera. Took 5 mg for 10 days, 7 days later finally my period came. I was instructed to take Clomid cycle days 3-7. I had to get an HSG xray done (Hysterosalpinhgogram - you can read more here) It opens your tubes and makes sure there is no bloackages. Everything clear! My doc and even the nurses said this will help get your pregnant bc the tubes are already opened.

I had to keep track of my temps every morning and get progesterone tested cycle day 21. Well I thought I ovulated cycle day 20 - so I waited and got my blood work cycle day 27. My doc called me the next day (this was last Thursday) and my level was only at a .7 - yikes! It needs to be about a 10 to confirm ovulation.

Went to the doc yesterday to talk about plan b bc well that didnt work AT ALL! She is going to keep me at 50 mg, but take it longer. This time cycle days 3-9. Then do an estrogen patch cycle day 9-12 then progesterone gel day 12- to either another period or 13 weeks pregnant.

Thats my story....I am NOT one of the lucky ones who can get pregnant right away...and its a major blow, even though I always had the feeling this wouldnt be easy for me. My body is not doing the one thing it needs to do - ovulate! Going through this process I have learned more then I ever knew about the human body and reproduction.

I hope my story can help others. I will continue to share my story and struggle and hopefully success!

11 years...

11 years ago (Feb 13, 2001) my dad passed away. I was 14 and in the 8th grade. I remember that day and the days following like it was yesterday.  A boy I had a crush on (Brad) asked me out that morning and I was super excited! Around mid morning the office called me and my younger brother into the office and said our mom was picking us up. We waiting for what seemed like HOURS and our neighbor picked us up. I knew something was wrong, but thought it was our grandma. When we got home my mom told us our dad had passed away early that morning. I remember my knees buckling and I just collapsed on the kitchen floor. I dont remember crying then...I remember feeling numb and shocked. I went into the living room to watch TV and on of my favorite movies was on (My Girl). My mom suggested it wasnt the best movie to watch, but for some reason it was comforting to me. My youngest brother was still in elementary school, my mom waited until he got home from school to tell him. The days following were a blur of running around getting things ready to go to Chicago for the funeral. That first night we all slept in the living room. I would also lock myself in the bathroom and SCREAM at God and question why. My dad was my best friend, why him. I still don't know but its not our place to know. He has a plan for all of us.

My dad passed away on a business trip in Texas. Which is oddly comforting that it was not in our house. It was completly natural, in his sleep. He had heart problems his whole life, born with a messed up valve. Had it replaced when I was 4 with a pig valve (I loved laying on his chest and listening to it). When I was 13 (Nov 2000) he had to have it replaced (you have to every 10 years). While in surgery they found an aneurism and did a triple by pass. His heart just couldnt take it anymore and he passed away in his sleep.

It still sucks so much to think about. Especially since my brothers were never that close with him and dont remember much because they were so young. It still stings, but its ok. God has a plan for all of us.

Its Offical!

I am a student again! I got accepted into Liberty University's online masters program today. Classes start in March and I am pretty excited! I think Michael is more excited then I am. He is about to finish his masters (MBA) and was encouraging me to keep going and get my masters. I finally caved and decided to because I would like to make a career change. I want to be a teacher. I have wanted to be a teacher since I was a kid, but things change...I can never make up my mind...and people influence you too much when you are young...

Anyway! So here we go! I am diving head first back into school. REALLY nervous because I am not a great student...Michael has faith that I will be fine...I am lacking the same confidence. It should take about 2 years to finish. I am hoping I can finish faster, but we shall see!

Wish me luck!