worst feeling in the world

I blogged a little while ago that my husband and I were having issues having a baby. Well we are in the thick of fertility treatments and sadly no good news to report.

In May (after three failed rounds of meds w/ my regular doc) we went to a specialist and the doctor told me I have PCOS - Polycystic ovary syndrome. Mine seems very mild, but still a hassle. Everyones PCOS is different. I thankfully do not have any cysts, but I do have a lot of acne, hard time loosing weight, and excess body hair. I also carry all my weight in my midsection. The doctor had me start taking 1500 mg of Metformin everyday. We took the month of June off to relax and get use to the medicine. In July I began my first cycle with the specialist. This included 100 mg of Clomid cycle days 5-9 and continued the metformin. I began going in for regular blood work and ultrasounds. On cycle day 14 when I should be almost ready to ovulate I still had no mature follicles so the doctor had me do more Clomid this time 200 mg for 5 days and start dexamesthone. Thankfully a couple days after I finished the Clomid I have one mature follicle measuring at 25 mm and no need for a trigger shot (shot of HCG to trick your body into ovulating). a week later blood work revealed I have a strong ovulation. A couple days later I saw two beautiful (faint, but still there) lines on a home test. We were THRILLED but cautious. I went into the doctor a couple days later for blood work to confirm. My numbers were low (only a 16) but I was pregnant. I went in two more times for more checks, sadly my numbers never doubled like they were suppose to and on Tuesday 8/21 my numbers began to drop and the nurse informed me that I would soon miscarry.

Talk about a giant punch in the stomach. Every hope, dream, and plan out the window. I wanted to punch someone anyone, but all I could do was cry. I feel like a statistic and like a failure. I know there is no rhyme or reason to it all, but it still sucks. I am sad, mad, and numb at the same time. My body is suppose to be one thing and it failed me. I know most of my thoughts are irrational, but you cant help it. I feel like God is punishing me and that we must not be worthy enough for a family. The past couple days have been a roller coaster of emotions. The worst has been telling our families. We had JUST told my parents the exciting news and were looking forward to telling his parents when we saw them for a wedding next month. Instead we had to tell them the HORRIBLE news.

Michael has been WONDERFUL. He is letting me sad, mad, happy and all over the place. The only person placing blame and shame on me is me. Now I am in the limbo waiting period waiting for the actual miscarriage to happen. 

Please keep us and our families in your prayers. We could use them.

So What!

I havn't done this in forever! Gonna try and get back into blogging. Here is what I am saying SO WHAT to!

• I have felt no desire to work lately...its getting kinda bad...
• I have decided to one day become a special ed teacher - and it kinda freaks me out, but exciting
• I am only 25 and want to start a family terribly bad!
• I like Michael w/ a beard - who knew! 
• Most of my friends live in other states
• I want to leave Ga TERRIBLY!!
• I am pretending my water is ice cream...this whole no sugar thing is a giant pain! 
• Ever since the Kenny Chesney/Tim McGraw concert the other day I have had Kenny Chesney on repeat...

infertility...

My husband hates that word, but sadly its the truth. I was hoping I would give you the details of my last 2 months in a wonderful blog where I announced my pregnancy. But sadly that is not the case. I am entering my 2nd cycle of meds to assist in getting pregnant. Ain't it fun!

Truth is - its not fun. It SUCKS! But also not very uncommon. Michael and I are not screaming it from the roof tops, but we also are not keeping it as big of a secret as before. We told very little people about our first round of meds, but I have finally told my mom and some coworkers and close friends know.

Here is our story and if this is TMI well then too bad. I have never had regular periods. Like never. I have gone 2, 4, even 6 months before w/ my friendly aunt flo visit. Until I started on birth control. Everything was great. I am one of the few who loved being on birth control (once I found the right one). Michael and I talked family a lot and decided that after our wedding I would go off birth control and we would see what happens. We were not trying, but wern't not not trying also. We both hoped that we would be able to give the gift of pregnancy news as a Christmas present, but sadly nope. I went off birth control in Oct and by Christmas, still had no period. I wasn't worried, this was "normal" for me. Even though I did secretly wish birth control would reset my body.

Anyway, in Dec I went to the doc for a yearly visit anyway and mentioned we wanted to try and start a family. I doc did some blood work and said everything felt fine. Blood work came back fine (this is mid Jan now - had to wait out the holidays....still no period). Only thing was I had not ovulated yet. She gave me a medicine (Provera) to help bring my period on then I could start a new cycle and start meds.

Had to wait 2 weeks to make sure I wasnt pregnant to start Provera. Took 5 mg for 10 days, 7 days later finally my period came. I was instructed to take Clomid cycle days 3-7. I had to get an HSG xray done (Hysterosalpinhgogram - you can read more here) It opens your tubes and makes sure there is no bloackages. Everything clear! My doc and even the nurses said this will help get your pregnant bc the tubes are already opened.

I had to keep track of my temps every morning and get progesterone tested cycle day 21. Well I thought I ovulated cycle day 20 - so I waited and got my blood work cycle day 27. My doc called me the next day (this was last Thursday) and my level was only at a .7 - yikes! It needs to be about a 10 to confirm ovulation.

Went to the doc yesterday to talk about plan b bc well that didnt work AT ALL! She is going to keep me at 50 mg, but take it longer. This time cycle days 3-9. Then do an estrogen patch cycle day 9-12 then progesterone gel day 12- to either another period or 13 weeks pregnant.

Thats my story....I am NOT one of the lucky ones who can get pregnant right away...and its a major blow, even though I always had the feeling this wouldnt be easy for me. My body is not doing the one thing it needs to do - ovulate! Going through this process I have learned more then I ever knew about the human body and reproduction.

I hope my story can help others. I will continue to share my story and struggle and hopefully success!

11 years...

11 years ago (Feb 13, 2001) my dad passed away. I was 14 and in the 8th grade. I remember that day and the days following like it was yesterday.  A boy I had a crush on (Brad) asked me out that morning and I was super excited! Around mid morning the office called me and my younger brother into the office and said our mom was picking us up. We waiting for what seemed like HOURS and our neighbor picked us up. I knew something was wrong, but thought it was our grandma. When we got home my mom told us our dad had passed away early that morning. I remember my knees buckling and I just collapsed on the kitchen floor. I dont remember crying then...I remember feeling numb and shocked. I went into the living room to watch TV and on of my favorite movies was on (My Girl). My mom suggested it wasnt the best movie to watch, but for some reason it was comforting to me. My youngest brother was still in elementary school, my mom waited until he got home from school to tell him. The days following were a blur of running around getting things ready to go to Chicago for the funeral. That first night we all slept in the living room. I would also lock myself in the bathroom and SCREAM at God and question why. My dad was my best friend, why him. I still don't know but its not our place to know. He has a plan for all of us.

My dad passed away on a business trip in Texas. Which is oddly comforting that it was not in our house. It was completly natural, in his sleep. He had heart problems his whole life, born with a messed up valve. Had it replaced when I was 4 with a pig valve (I loved laying on his chest and listening to it). When I was 13 (Nov 2000) he had to have it replaced (you have to every 10 years). While in surgery they found an aneurism and did a triple by pass. His heart just couldnt take it anymore and he passed away in his sleep.

It still sucks so much to think about. Especially since my brothers were never that close with him and dont remember much because they were so young. It still stings, but its ok. God has a plan for all of us.

Its Offical!

I am a student again! I got accepted into Liberty University's online masters program today. Classes start in March and I am pretty excited! I think Michael is more excited then I am. He is about to finish his masters (MBA) and was encouraging me to keep going and get my masters. I finally caved and decided to because I would like to make a career change. I want to be a teacher. I have wanted to be a teacher since I was a kid, but things change...I can never make up my mind...and people influence you too much when you are young...

Anyway! So here we go! I am diving head first back into school. REALLY nervous because I am not a great student...Michael has faith that I will be fine...I am lacking the same confidence. It should take about 2 years to finish. I am hoping I can finish faster, but we shall see!

Wish me luck!

So What Wednesday!

This week I am saying so what to...

• We did nothing for Valentines Day - we are postponing it till next week. Michaels dad is in town visiting right now. 
• I got really excited for a sale at Kroger - our laundry detergent is NEVER on sale!
• I am looking forward to lunch today - its pay day so I can go anywhere! :)
• I am so ready for spring. 
• I am thinking of going back to school for my masters...even though I hate school.
• I am thinking of changing careers...well kinda. I would like to teach high school kids stuff I learned in college (radio/tv/editing/filming). Thats why I want to get my masters to jump ahead. 
• Getting my masters scares me...I am not a good student! 
• I am terrible blogger...I am trying! 

Our love story

I am linking up today to share our love story.

1. How long have you and your significant other been together?

We will have "been together" 4 years next month. Been married since Oct :) 

2. How did you meet? {What's your "love" story?}

Oh boy, here we go! We met in class my junior year of college. We had to get in groups our first day of class and he was in mine. From then on we were in this group all semester, so we all sat next to each other. The juicy part was I was engaged to another guy at the time, but I broke it off amount a month after meeting Michael. NOT because of Michael, but he was a GREAT friend during the drama that ensued.

3. If married, how long have you been married? If not, is this the guy you hope to marry? {do tell}

We have been married for 4 months tomorrow :) Oct. 9, 2011

4. If you are married, where did you get married at? Big or small wedding?  If not, where would you like to get married? And will it be big or small?

We got married in our Orthodox church we attend in Marietta, Ga and reception at a local golf and tennis club. We had a med size wedding. About 90 people in attendence. We didnt want it to big or too small. It was perfect. 

5. Do you have any nick-names that you call one another? Do share!

We call each other babe...thats about it. I know boring!

6. Name 3 things you love most about your honey.

Just 3? 

1. He balances me out. I can be pretty uptight and unorganized, he helps "takes the stick out of my ass" but also balances my unorganized, sloppiness.

2. He is so patient! I am a learn by making mistakes person. Always right until I am proved wrong. He lets me make mistakes and doesn't hold them over my head. Sometimes a little I told ya so is in order though :)

3. He is sooo smart and hard working. It took him some time to find his way back to school (glad he did otherwise we NEVER would of met). But he is about to finish his masters w/ a 4.0 and will do great in the business world. He works super hard and takes great care of me. 

7. Tell us how he proposed? Or your ideal proposal?

He TOTALLY surprised me! He proposed at the end of July 2010 at his college graduation in full cap and gown! We had just talked about it a couple days before and he was all like no, not anytime soon we cant afford it...Then a couple days later he did it right after his graduation ceremony outside while we were taking pictures. EVERYONE knew but me! 

8. Is he a flowers and teddy bear kind of guy for v-day, or strawberries, champagne, and rose petals?

A mix really. Depends on the situation. But mostly a teddy bears and flowers guy. Which works perfectly for me. 

9. Are you a sunset dinner on the beach kind of girl, or pop a movie in and relax on the couch?

Again, a mix. It depends. If we are on vacation then hell ya sunset dinner on beach works, but normally I am pretty much a homebody. 

10. Tell us one thing you'd like to do with your significant one day. If you could do anything? Go anywhere?

We would love to do a cruise around Europe one day. We love to travel. 

11. Tell us what you plan on doing on this Valentine's Day. 

Not much. His dad will  be in town visiting...so nada is my guess. Or will do something before he gets here. But Michael also has a lot of basketball (he refs high school bbal and its playoff time).

12. Are you asking for anything this Valentine's day?

I did ask for flowers :) I love flowers! 

13. Give us one piece of advice of keeping a relationship strong and full of love. 

My aunt and uncle shared this one with us - laugh! If you cant laugh at each other then you will be miserable. 

14.  Show us a picture of what love means to you.